There is an art to hardwood flooring, and for those of you who don’t believe me…
White Oak hardwood flooring, along with his friends Coffee Oak and Tobacco Oak, have been through a lot in their time. Their faces, once smooth and pristine, have gone through the hand scraping process. Now textured and full of character, the hand distressed white oak flooring has reached its full maturity. A young White Oak sapling walks up to the covered porch where the older Oaks sit and asks, “What will it be like when I’m hand scraped?”
“Well, Sappy,” Tobacco Oak said, “I remember when I was handscraped. It was the best moment of my life. They took a hand held metal scraper and scraped it across the surface of my face repeatedly. Fantastic! That’s why I have this distinctive, organic scraping pattern to my face.”
“Mr. Tobacco Oak, why is Mr. Coffee Oak so quiet, and why is his face so uniform compared to yours?”
“Mr. Coffee was hand scraped in a factory by machines. As a result, his scraping is more of a consistent pattern, not quite as nice looking. The reason he is so quiet is because he has been run through industrial factory machines that did the scraping on him.”
“WHY DO THE ROBOTS KEEP THROWING KNIVES AT MY FACE?!” Mr. Coffee collected himself and smiled. “Sorry about that, Sappy. Little flashback there!”
“You and those robots, Coffee,” White Oak chuckled, “Every day, ‘Robots cuttin’ my face!'”
“All right, Sappy,” Tobacco oak gave the sapling a soft punt off the porch, “Now you run along and be a little one. Someday, you’ll be hand scraped White Oak too, but try to make sure you’re hand scraped and not robot scraped.”
“ROBOTS! Hit the deck!” Coffee shouted.
The rumors have been confirmed: Pink, sleek, and clear graded Tiete Rosewood flooring has been linked to burly beau Hickory, without any word from Sapele Mahogany‘s publicist that she and Hickory had split.
When reached for comment, Sapele Mahogany, with her distinctive vertical striping and verve, seemed indifferent:
“The thing is, I’m made of wood. There’s not a lot of room in my dense cell structure (and that’s 640 kg/m3, boys) for a whole lot of heartbreak. If Hickory wants to be with Tiete Rosewood, I say good for them. I just hope that Hickory can handle a woman with a bigger Janka hardness rating than his. 3,280 lbs to 1,820 lbs? We’ll see if his ego can handle that”
Sapele then added: “But really, what is with that hamburger dress? Seriously.”
Tiete Rosewood, a native Brazilian, could not be reached for comment, but her publicist told HSAGG that Kevin Bacon’s publicist had mentioned to him at a mixer that the HSAGG writers need to stop trying to steal Kevin Bacon’s Lear jet.
HSAGG’s publicists were not available for comment on the unfounded, absurd, and hurtful accusations.
Hickory flooring has a long list of exes in Hollywood, including Tamara Shneider, Beatrice Strazinski, and Gertrude Long. None of these relationships lasted very long. The reason? It seems each of the Z-list actresses soon realized that Hickory’s hardwood flooring industry connections couldn’t help them get any roles in films other than supporting roles. Getting walked on by Tom Cruise was far from the stardom the actresses had envisioned for themselves.
But Hickory’s star seems to be rising now that he and singer/songwriter Tiete Rosewood’s relationship has caught fire. In similar incendiary fashion, Sapele’s latest release, “Tongue and Groove,” has burned up the charts, reaching #1 on the hardwood pop charts for the 4th week running. A live acoustic album entitled “Raw and Unfinished” is slated for release later this year.
One can only hope that Sapele’s indifference is genuine, and not masking a burning desire to torch Hickory’s Hollywood homestead a la Left Eye from TLC. We worry about you here at HSAGG, Hickory, because you are pretty flammable and inflammatory.
Have a happy Halloween out there, HSAGGers. If you see a teetering plank of Tongue and Groove Prefinished Flooring next to you, buy that guy/gal a drink. Because even if it’s not me, they deserve it for their hardwood love and devotion. But please: no drinks a la flambé.
So, it seems someone among you thought I was neglecting my blog. Not updating it often enough. And so you decided to sic the Government on me for Hardwood Neglect.
Yeah, that’s cool. Thanks for that.
Well, your little plan backfired. For a number of reasons. First of all, as you can see from the picture above, my hardwood flooring loves me. Prefinished Cumaru, Engineered Brazilian Cherry, Prefinished Flamewood and I go on roller coasters, we paint mustaches on things that ought not be mustachioed, and we have had important talks pertaining to adolescent topics that need to be addressed for their safety and health as saplings.
Second of all, when the Feds come for my hardwood babies? I go Jason Bourne on their bureaucratic behinds. As you can again see from the photo, me and my babies are on the road, on the run. That didn’t just happen out of the blue. When the agents came to the door, I invited them in for tea. Then I went to the bathroom. I let loose my tell-tale clicking code to my hardwood babies that means “The Feds are here trying to take you away from me and now we are borrowing Kevin Bacon’s Lear jet to escape from their clutches.”
Once we had rallied in the back yard, unbeknownst to the agents, Kevin told me from the other end of the horn that he didn’t know who I was.
Kind of shows you who your friends are when the chips are down.
Instead, we all hopped in our Rocket Powered Radio Flyer, blew the fence door open with the force of our momentum, and flew down the suburban streets, bidding goodbye to our peaceful life of mustache painting and roller coastering and hurtling towards a world of box cars, smores, Kumbaya sing-alongs, and sleeping with switch blades. (Switch blades are also handy during the sing-alongs, which kind of kills the vibe.)
Nomadic life hasn’t been all bad. Cumaru and Flamewood sometimes pick on Engineered Brazilian Cherry because he’s engineered and a little chunky (5″ wide to their 3″) but other than that we are still a happy family.
The lesson here, people, is that you don’t always understand situations, and you shouldn’t be quick to judge. In that spirit, Kevin, I’m not going to take it personally that you totally did not bring your Lear jet to save me from the Feds. After a little reflection, I figured out that you’re probably just too proud to say it got repossessed after the whole Madoff Ponzi thing.
It’s cool, man. We’re still bros.
Get ready for more frequent updates from the highways and byways of America least patrolled by the FBI!
In 1982, Ridley Scott had Harrison Ford running around a bleak 2019 Los Angeles chasing androids around trying to kill them in a film called Blade Runner, a film based on the novel Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep? By Philip K. Dick.
Now, in similar synthetically sinister simulacrum fashion, laminate flooring has arrived.
Laminate flooring was invented in 1977 by the Swedish company Pergo. However shortsightedly, they created the most powerful army of flooring known to man, capable of manufacturing and replicating itself indefinitely, forcing its way into the homes and offices of flooring lovers everywhere.
And they like it.
For you Terminator fans, Pergo is basically the Skynet of the flooring world. They created these powerful beings without regard for just how powerful they would become. Laminate flooring is incredibly affordable, making it all the easier for it to gain the trust of consumers and to infiltrate their dwellings unhindered.
Laminate floors are composed of melamine resin and other materials along with a decorative applique. This decorative applique could look like anything. It could resemble wood. It could resemble marble.
IT COULD RESEMBLE YOUR MOTHER.
YOUR MOTHER COULD BE LAMINATE FLOORING. BE ADVISED. I’M CALLING MY MOTHER RIGHT NOW.
…All right, all good, she didn’t mention anything about her scratch-resistant aluminum oxide finish and was laying the “why don’t you stop geeking out about hardwood flooring and get a real career and a nice girlfriend and stop shaving squirrels” trip on me, so it’s definitely her.
BUT I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT YOURS! YOU BETTER CALL HER TO MAKE SURE!
*This blog post brought to you by the not-nearly-called-enough mothers of the universe.
**Now send me candy, ladies.
Kempas Hardwood Flooring Takes a Careful Approach Towards Ensuing Revolution in Iran, Calls for Sanctions on God-awful Reality Television, Insipid CelebutantesJune 22, 2009
Kempas hardwood flooring, acting president of the Federated Hardwoods of the World (FHW) took time out from his hectic political schedule to address the rest of the hardwood flooring populace and other sovereign nations in the world regarding growing tensions over the elections in Iran.
Diplomatic as ever, Kempas, originating from the Koompassia family located primarily in Malaysia, Indonesia, Philippines, and Papua New Guinea, stated that it was with growing unrest that he watched as violent conflict tore through Iran as the Revolutionary Guard and the youth army of the Basij under control of president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad assaulted protesters with tear gas in city squares and other acts of violence.
Sitting in the Rectangle Office, Kempas flooring disregarded his inherently stalwart Janka Hardness Rating of 1,710lbs, realizing that now was not the time to be throwing the FHW’s weight around politically with hawkish interventionist policies. This frustrated Kempas, leaving him sitting in the seat of power as steward of all hardwoods but helpless to do anything the help the Iranians’ realization of democracy and freedom, for fear of appearing to meddle in their political affairs. Kempas was left only with the lingering but impassioned hope that the Iranian people could find their way through the morass of chaotic upheavals and conflict into a new dawn of true self-determination.
Kempas decided to channel his frustrations towards enacting some much needed house-cleaning policies at home. His target: Vile reality television and banal and corrosive celebutantes.
Wielding his quill pen of policy-makin’, Kempas hardwood flooring called for sanctions on a laundry list of reality TV shows and publicity parasites. His act, entitled the “I’m-Frustrated-that-We-Can’t-Do-Anything-Directly-to-Help-the-Iranians-at-Present-So-I’m-Going-to-Kick-the-Misbehaving-Dog-of-the-Media-Instead Act of 2009,” was written and passed on to the house and the senate of the FHW, where it was met with unanimous support and instantaneous passage into law:
“We, the Federated Hardwoods of the World, declare the following celebutantes need be doused in a finish of particularly itchy aluminum oxide and submitted to Janka Hardness Testing:
Paris Hilton, Craig and Heidi Pratt, Lisa Edelstein, Lauren Conrad, Nicky Hilton, Brody Jenner, Rick Salomon, Sabrina Parisi, Lindsay Lohan, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
The following television shows and the respective partners in production shall be extradited to den Haag (the Hague) to be brought before a Media Crimes Tribunal: Confessions of a Teen Idol, Farmer Wants a Wife, The Bad Girls Club, The Exterminators, John & Kate Plus Eight and The Simple Life.
There are many more guilty parties involved in these nefarious affairs, but by enforcing said sanctions on the preceding media criminals, it is the hope of these lawmakers that an example will be made.”
Kempas wood flooring set down his quill pen. He was still dissatisfied, as eradicating these vacuous pustules from the face of his fair nation held all the lasting fulfillment of popping bubble wrap. He uncorked his carafe of Glenlivet and turned to face the night stars stretched over the ceilings of all nations.
When he saw them, he wondered:
Are they packing phasers?
Are they here to abduct me? Some manner of undesirable probing?
Acacia Hardwood flooring was minding his own business out on the mesas and plateaus of the badlands, which doubled as his own private spittoon, when he came upon this caravan of curious looking characters.
They were him. But not.
He primed his sweaty, calloused, and non-existent hand over his six-shooter, but they did not flinch. So he befriended them and fried them up a can full of photosynthesized nutrient chili over his campfire, because that’s just Acacia Natural‘s way.
These new visitors were Acacia flooring as well, but simply different formats: Handscraped, with his rustically textured appearance, made Acacia Natural feel somewhat less rough and tumble about his own smooth face. Acacia Fruitwood brought a feminine touch to the crowd with her burgundy stain. Bronze blend brought his own Apollo-sun-god vibe, glowing gold in the unabated photon blasts of the New Mexican sun.
They all reminisced about applications past: Acacia was the wood used to build the Ark of the Covenant back in biblical times. While it was an honor holding the Ten Commandments and Aaron’s rod and that, it was also kind of boring, just being a stationary sacred container. All the Acacias agreed that it was much more fun adventuring across the southwest US, looking for adventure and whatever came their way.
All was going well until the other Acacias showed up; different stain/surface combinations like handscraped fruitwood, smooth bronze blend, different board widths thrown into the mix to make an army of permutated Acacias strolling towards his camp. Acacia Natural glanced at his satchel, containing his only water canteens and just a few more cans of photosynthesized nutrient chili. While he was once the AotC, he didn’t think he would be able to manage a loaves and fishes feat of catering.
In a split decision, bent on survival, Acacia Natural reached for his firearm and fanned the hammer at all the Acacias. He hopped off the side of the sun-baked plateau and raced across the cracked wasteland.
The unfortunate Acacias who had received the blasting stood up and plucked the bullets from their faces, impervious to firearms due to their superior finish. As Acacia Natural scuttled off into the obscurity of an approaching dust storm, all the other Acacia flooring formats agreed that he was rather rude and disagreeable, and beamed back to their home dimensions for some photosynthesized nutrient fois gras.