So, it seems someone among you thought I was neglecting my blog. Not updating it often enough. And so you decided to sic the Government on me for Hardwood Neglect.
Yeah, that’s cool. Thanks for that.
Well, your little plan backfired. For a number of reasons. First of all, as you can see from the picture above, my hardwood flooring loves me. Prefinished Cumaru, Engineered Brazilian Cherry, Prefinished Flamewood and I go on roller coasters, we paint mustaches on things that ought not be mustachioed, and we have had important talks pertaining to adolescent topics that need to be addressed for their safety and health as saplings.
Second of all, when the Feds come for my hardwood babies? I go Jason Bourne on their bureaucratic behinds. As you can again see from the photo, me and my babies are on the road, on the run. That didn’t just happen out of the blue. When the agents came to the door, I invited them in for tea. Then I went to the bathroom. I let loose my tell-tale clicking code to my hardwood babies that means “The Feds are here trying to take you away from me and now we are borrowing Kevin Bacon’s Lear jet to escape from their clutches.”
Once we had rallied in the back yard, unbeknownst to the agents, Kevin told me from the other end of the horn that he didn’t know who I was.
Kind of shows you who your friends are when the chips are down.
Instead, we all hopped in our Rocket Powered Radio Flyer, blew the fence door open with the force of our momentum, and flew down the suburban streets, bidding goodbye to our peaceful life of mustache painting and roller coastering and hurtling towards a world of box cars, smores, Kumbaya sing-alongs, and sleeping with switch blades. (Switch blades are also handy during the sing-alongs, which kind of kills the vibe.)
Nomadic life hasn’t been all bad. Cumaru and Flamewood sometimes pick on Engineered Brazilian Cherry because he’s engineered and a little chunky (5″ wide to their 3″) but other than that we are still a happy family.
The lesson here, people, is that you don’t always understand situations, and you shouldn’t be quick to judge. In that spirit, Kevin, I’m not going to take it personally that you totally did not bring your Lear jet to save me from the Feds. After a little reflection, I figured out that you’re probably just too proud to say it got repossessed after the whole Madoff Ponzi thing.
It’s cool, man. We’re still bros.
Get ready for more frequent updates from the highways and byways of America least patrolled by the FBI!
Hardwood Species A-Go-Go 
Haha, this post genuinely made me laugh. Thanks for that. My new hardwood floors are undeniably my babies too, so I can see the attachment. They’re like kids you can actually walk all over!