Laminate Flooring – The Replicants Are Upon Us, Our Homes, Our Offices

In 1982, Ridley Scott had Harrison Ford running around a bleak 2019 Los Angeles chasing androids around trying to kill them in a film called Blade Runner, a film based on the novel Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep? By Philip K. Dick.

Now, in similar synthetically sinister simulacrum fashion, laminate flooring has arrived.

Laminate flooring was invented in 1977 by the Swedish company Pergo. However shortsightedly, they created the most powerful army of flooring known to man, capable of manufacturing and replicating itself indefinitely, forcing its way into the homes and offices of flooring lovers everywhere.

And they like it.

For you Terminator fans, Pergo is basically the Skynet of the flooring world. They created these powerful beings without regard for just how powerful they would become. Laminate flooring is incredibly affordable, making it all the easier for it to gain the trust of consumers and to infiltrate their dwellings unhindered.

Laminate floors are composed of melamine resin and other materials along with a decorative applique. This decorative applique could look like anything. It could resemble wood. It could resemble marble.

IT COULD RESEMBLE YOUR MOTHER.

YOUR MOTHER COULD BE LAMINATE FLOORING. BE ADVISED. I’M CALLING MY MOTHER RIGHT NOW.

…All right, all good, she didn’t mention anything about her scratch-resistant aluminum oxide finish and was laying the “why don’t you stop geeking out about hardwood flooring and get a real career and a nice girlfriend and stop shaving squirrels” trip on me,  so it’s definitely her.

BUT I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT YOURS! YOU BETTER CALL HER TO MAKE SURE!

*This blog post brought to you by the not-nearly-called-enough mothers of the universe.

**Now send me candy, ladies.