The rumors have been confirmed: Pink, sleek, and clear graded Tiete Rosewood flooring has been linked to burly beau Hickory, without any word from Sapele Mahogany‘s publicist that she and Hickory had split.
When reached for comment, Sapele Mahogany, with her distinctive vertical striping and verve, seemed indifferent:
“The thing is, I’m made of wood. There’s not a lot of room in my dense cell structure (and that’s 640 kg/m3, boys) for a whole lot of heartbreak. If Hickory wants to be with Tiete Rosewood, I say good for them. I just hope that Hickory can handle a woman with a bigger Janka hardness rating than his. 3,280 lbs to 1,820 lbs? We’ll see if his ego can handle that”
Sapele then added: “But really, what is with that hamburger dress? Seriously.”
Tiete Rosewood, a native Brazilian, could not be reached for comment, but her publicist told HSAGG that Kevin Bacon’s publicist had mentioned to him at a mixer that the HSAGG writers need to stop trying to steal Kevin Bacon’s Lear jet.
HSAGG’s publicists were not available for comment on the unfounded, absurd, and hurtful accusations.
Hickory flooring has a long list of exes in Hollywood, including Tamara Shneider, Beatrice Strazinski, and Gertrude Long. None of these relationships lasted very long. The reason? It seems each of the Z-list actresses soon realized that Hickory’s hardwood flooring industry connections couldn’t help them get any roles in films other than supporting roles. Getting walked on by Tom Cruise was far from the stardom the actresses had envisioned for themselves.
"Hey, say what you will: I'm getting paid a H.A.G. union wage.
But Hickory’s star seems to be rising now that he and singer/songwriter Tiete Rosewood’s relationship has caught fire. In similar incendiary fashion, Sapele’s latest release, “Tongue and Groove,” has burned up the charts, reaching #1 on the hardwood pop charts for the 4th week running. A live acoustic album entitled “Raw and Unfinished” is slated for release later this year.
One can only hope that Sapele’s indifference is genuine, and not masking a burning desire to torch Hickory’s Hollywood homestead a la Left Eye from TLC. We worry about you here at HSAGG, Hickory, because you are pretty flammable and inflammatory.
Have a happy Halloween out there, HSAGGers. If you see a teetering plank of Tongue and Groove Prefinished Flooring next to you, buy that guy/gal a drink. Because even if it’s not me, they deserve it for their hardwood love and devotion. But please: no drinks a la flambé.
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Hardwood Species A-Go-Go 