5 ways Lapacho Ipe hardwood flooring is NOT like Tom Daschle.

Lapacho Ipe would have been a better call for the HHS nomination than Tom Daschle, despite being inanimate hardwood flooring.

1. If Prefinished Lapacho Ipe Flooring were an American citizen (it’s actually a Paraguayan citizen, but let’s hop into the hypothetosphere) it would figure out how to run TurboTax before running for public office.

Lapacho Ipe would sooth the American health system with some French pressed joe and cushy pillows.

2. If Lapacho Ipe were a dude, it would be a virile Antonio Banderas (who is Spanish, but, like Lapacho, his class transcends nationality). As a result, Lapacho would not be caught dead wearing those insane red Pearle Vision P-3 glasses Daschle violates his face with. (I agree with Wonkette in saying, “Hey Tommy-D: Sally Jesse Raphael called. She wants her glasses back.”)
3. Lapacho wouldn’t be a democrat. It wouldn’t be a republican either. It would start a new political party called “the Chocolatey Smooth High Janka Hardness Coalition,” which it would chair and be the only member of. Then it would enact several federal holidays devoted to the appreciation of all things whose smoothness is only equaled by their hardcoreness.
4. Lapacho Ipe hardwood would definitely be JFK-esque: a slick, self-assured character loved by all, to be sure. But there’s no way it would consider itself slick enough to get away with declaring a dedicated limousine and chauffeur as a tax deduction. Lapacho Ipe knows it’s the bomb, but not to the point of thinking the American public would buy that line.
5. Lapacho Ipe is a rich, brown Paraguayan hardwood with a Janka hardness rating of 3,684 (They don’t call it “Bulletwood” for nothing, son) and a density of 1,025 KG/m3. Tom Daschle is an oblivious democratic ex-senator who, in addition to needlessly besmirching President Obama’s cabinet construction process, probably has a Janka hardness rating of 5 lbs but could very possibly have a higher density quotient than Lapacho Ipe. However, Lapacho would probably have coauthored Critical: What We Can Do About the Health Care Crisis, in which Daschle advocates universal health care. Because Lapacho Ipe would be all about helping people.That’s just how Lapacho Ipe flooring rolls.