Kempas hardwood flooring, acting president of the Federated Hardwoods of the World (FHW) took time out from his hectic political schedule to address the rest of the hardwood flooring populace and other sovereign nations in the world regarding growing tensions over the elections in Iran.
Diplomatic as ever, Kempas, originating from the Koompassia family located primarily in Malaysia, Indonesia, Philippines, and Papua New Guinea, stated that it was with growing unrest that he watched as violent conflict tore through Iran as the Revolutionary Guard and the youth army of the Basij under control of president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad assaulted protesters with tear gas in city squares and other acts of violence.
Sitting in the Rectangle Office, Kempas flooring disregarded his inherently stalwart Janka Hardness Rating of 1,710lbs, realizing that now was not the time to be throwing the FHW’s weight around politically with hawkish interventionist policies. This frustrated Kempas, leaving him sitting in the seat of power as steward of all hardwoods but helpless to do anything the help the Iranians’ realization of democracy and freedom, for fear of appearing to meddle in their political affairs. Kempas was left only with the lingering but impassioned hope that the Iranian people could find their way through the morass of chaotic upheavals and conflict into a new dawn of true self-determination.
Kempas decided to channel his frustrations towards enacting some much needed house-cleaning policies at home. His target: Vile reality television and banal and corrosive celebutantes.
Wielding his quill pen of policy-makin’, Kempas hardwood flooring called for sanctions on a laundry list of reality TV shows and publicity parasites. His act, entitled the “I’m-Frustrated-that-We-Can’t-Do-Anything-Directly-to-Help-the-Iranians-at-Present-So-I’m-Going-to-Kick-the-Misbehaving-Dog-of-the-Media-Instead Act of 2009,” was written and passed on to the house and the senate of the FHW, where it was met with unanimous support and instantaneous passage into law:
“We, the Federated Hardwoods of the World, declare the following celebutantes need be doused in a finish of particularly itchy aluminum oxide and submitted to Janka Hardness Testing:
Paris Hilton, Craig and Heidi Pratt, Lisa Edelstein, Lauren Conrad, Nicky Hilton, Brody Jenner, Rick Salomon, Sabrina Parisi, Lindsay Lohan, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
The following television shows and the respective partners in production shall be extradited to den Haag (the Hague) to be brought before a Media Crimes Tribunal: Confessions of a Teen Idol, Farmer Wants a Wife, The Bad Girls Club, The Exterminators, John & Kate Plus Eight and The Simple Life.
There are many more guilty parties involved in these nefarious affairs, but by enforcing said sanctions on the preceding media criminals, it is the hope of these lawmakers that an example will be made.”
Kempas wood flooring set down his quill pen. He was still dissatisfied, as eradicating these vacuous pustules from the face of his fair nation held all the lasting fulfillment of popping bubble wrap. He uncorked his carafe of Glenlivet and turned to face the night stars stretched over the ceilings of all nations.
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